Sunday, August 29, 2010

How I Almost Got Divorced on my Fourth Anniversary

So this week I celebrated my fourth wedding anniversary.

I know - whoa, yeah, four years, that's a long time.

And - I know - it's not really that long at all.

But anyway, the fact that four years has passed in the blink of an eye while it has also been like OMG I HAVE BEEN MARRIED MY ENTIRE LIFE is a topic for another post. Let me go slow here, gain some momentum on the old (new) blog.

So you know, I had do what people do on their anniversary. NO! NOT THAT! Good God, people, your mind is always in the gutter.

I had to buy an anniversary card.

This should be quick and painless. Not like the time that I had to buy a card for a friend of mine who adopted an abused dog and had to have one of his legs amputated and then he broke another leg and they found out he had cancer and had to send him across the rainbow bridge. I mean - there's a pretty slim selection of cards that express that sentiment. But an anniversary card? No big deal.

There I am, in the card aisle. I find the anniversary cards without too much trouble. At first glance, the designs look pretty awesome. In fact, there are a lot of PINK ones. As you know (well, okay, you probably DON'T know yet since this is only my third blog post) pink is my FAVORITE color. So I was browsing the pink cards and was getting a little frustrated that they all said "For my wife" when I needed it to go the opposite way. It actually took me a few minutes to work it out in my head that this card wasn't FOR me, it was FROM me so I sent a few mental vibes to my other half about the one I REALLY liked and then stepped away from the pink and down to the "For my husband" cards.

I realize a few problems right away. They are all brown. Ick. Brown is the color of poo.

I see that there are a few ways we can with this. We can go the cartoony route. There is actually one hilarious card with ducks wearing clothes. I wish I would have snapped a picture of this for the blog because let me tell you, it was a funny one. I actually almost buy this because my love of ducks is just a tad bit behind my love of the color pink BUT I remember that this is not ALL ABOUT ME. Plus, do cartoon ducks really express my feelings about my husband on the fourth anniversary of our marriage? So not only are the ducks out, I also decide to forgo the cartoon dogs, cats, hedgehogs (seriously, you just can't make this shit up) and a few with weirdly misshapen and overweight people.

A few more steps down this aisle and we're at the cards with the scripty print. Excellent. Now I should be able to find something. I pick up the first card.

"On this day, I married my soul mate." Oh no. Here we go.

"God has blessed me with your love." Already pulling the God card.

"I love you more today than yesterday." Um, sometimes. But let's be honest, some days you do really stupid shit and I love you LESS.

"For the one man I was born to be with." I like to think that I was born to do something awesome. Not that being your wife isn't awesome or anything. I just hope that I get to do something else awesome too. Something more awesome. Uh. Moving on.

"All my best moments are spent with you." ALL of them? You never have, like a great day just being by yourself, reading a book or something?!?!

I'm going to be honest with you. I started having an emotional breakdown. Right there in the card aisle. My marriage wasn't like THIS! I didn't feel like ANY OF THESE THINGS. I didn't LOVE MY HUSBAND BEYOND ALL OTHER THINGS OMG. What kind of marriage did I have anyway?! Finally I just grabbed a stupid card (it had some pink on it, I admit it!) and headed for the exit. What did it matter? My marriage was pretty much over anyway.

I drove home trying to cheer myself up. 50% of marriages end in divorce, so I'll be in good company. We made it four years, that's not so bad. Good effort. I beat my husband home, so I went upstairs to sign the card I bought. As I was finishing up, his car pulled up outside and I watched him get out. He pulled out the bags of groceries and a bouquet of flowers. He opened the front door and I heard him greet our dog and cats telling them each how much he missed them that day. I heard him start putting dinner together. I finally went downstairs and he looked up at me - "HEY! I didn't know you were home! I'm glad you're here. You want to give me a hand?"

The rest of the night could have been any other night. I tried to help with dinner and used the hot oil he was heating up for chicken for the garlic I needed for sauce. I transfered it to another pan but the heat was too high and the oil spattered and I burned my arm. I was too lazy to look up the recipe and added the ingredients in the wrong order, but just threw the vodka in the sauce at the end anyway. We moved the cat from the counter no less than twelve times before compromising that he could sit on the towel but NOT the plate. My phone rang off the hook with calls both important (which I ignored) and non-important (which I answered). The dog may or may not have licked the chicken. We finally cracked open a bottle of wine and sat down at the table and as he toasted us with a smile I had to laugh out loud. This was us! In all our messy, complicated glory.

As we finished up our dinner, we exchanged our anniversary cards.

I hope you saw this coming. The one he bought me - totally pink.

I guess we belong together after all.

No comments:

Post a Comment