Mostly, it was a regular day. Your Dad is out of town at a sales meeting so I ran around like a crazy person this morning taking care of your big (furry) brothers. I was in the car early to get to work early for a meeting. Work was pretty uneventful - just a regular day.
I wasn't sure whether today was the day to test. I knew that it should have been the first day of my period but honestly, and I guess this is probably TMI for a tiny babe such as yourself, I've never been that regular so who really even knows? I thought about waiting for your Dad. But I was driving home and thought, you know, I'll just stop in, grab a test, see what happens.
I was talking to my Mom as I left Rite Aid. I had to pee so bad but didn't want to take the test while I was on the phone with her, and didn't want to pee without taking the test. I finally got her off the phone and went to the upstairs bathroom and peed in a little dixie cup, dipped the little stick and put the cap on and waited. Actually, I watched it for a few minutes while reading the directions to see what would be what. It looked like I was waiting for two lines, but having some experience with these tests I knew that there was often an "evaporation line that would appear. Honestly, I thought that was what it was. The directions said wait three minutes so I went to put my pjs on.
When I came back to the bathroom there it was. Two pink lines. One was faint. I scoured the directions to see what that meant. Doesn't matter if it's faint or not. And so just like that, I knew that you were on your way. I took a picture. Of course. Of the test, and one with your brother, Elliott, who looked at it curiously and I wondered if he knew what it meant. You see, he's been asking for a baby sister for as long as we can remember. And now, we know you're coming.
It sounds funny to say that I don't feel much different. Not quite as manically happy or desperately afraid as I had expected. I feel a lot of peace about it, about you. In some ways, "knowing" doesn't change anything - you are as you have been, as you will be. I have been waiting for you my whole life, and while we're reaching a different part in the journey, it still feels the same for me. I'm so excited to meet you.
I felt a little guilty, for a few moments, for not waiting for your Dad, and I suppose that it sounds selfish but I wanted a few days to have you all to myself. It's going to be an adventure for us, Baby, and I wanted some private time with you, just you and me, just for a few days. I know that I'll have enough time to share you with the whole wide world. I know that you will change my life in every way, and I wanted a few days alone with you to get my brain around the wonder that you will bring.
In a few days when your Dad gets home we'll give him the news together. I had thought of a few ways to tell him and I know that we'll make it special. He will be so excited to know that you're on your way. A few days ago I asked him what he was looking forward to about being a Dad and he said to teach them things. I knew years ago what a wonderful father he will be, and this seems to me just one step closer to seeing him do what he was born to do.
I wonder if you'll even want to know this, to know the start of your story one day, but I guess it will be here for you whether you want it or not. You might wonder what I did after the test, after I had gotten the news. Honestly, it was a lot like any other night. I sewed some new pillows and talked on the phone and watched television in bed with your brothers. I thought about you, but not more than I've been thinking about you for weeks already. I looked at the test a dozen times, making sure that it did qualify as a "faint line". I even googled "false positive pregnancy test" (which pretty much never happens, it turns out). I started to write this note to you, to tell you how I feel on this important day. Mostly, to tell you that I love you already.
Goodnight, Baby. Sweet dreams. I'll see you soon.
Love,
Mama
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